The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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