I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
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