Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it hurts more in the daytime
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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