dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
