I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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