Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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