I am spending my child support on dildos
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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