Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
