He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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