You're completely useless in the revolution.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
