I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i need some magic done to my vagina
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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