I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
