guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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