Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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