Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
