I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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