I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
