You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
