not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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