my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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