Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
