his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Randomize
