Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
