drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
