tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
