Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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