I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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