Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
