He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
