It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
