You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Randomize
