what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
