I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just invented taco cereal.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
