I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
