i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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