I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
