Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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