it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
