Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
this hospital has no fireball
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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