The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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