My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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