dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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