Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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