it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
