I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
