oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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