I just threw up on my dentist
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
