and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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