I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
