So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
