allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
