It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
