Apparently you make a good broom.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
