yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
