I accidentally burped into my bong.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
