Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
