Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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