So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
