he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You pole danced in your parka.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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